xjaekangx: (Default)
xjaekangx ([personal profile] xjaekangx) wrote2017-04-08 07:23 pm
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Knowing what to do and doing it are two different things

I've been thinking a lot about what to do in my life. It should be easy to decide on what you want to keep as a hobby... what you want to do for a living... but it's not. It's not that I don't know what I want to do, it's just that I have too many things that I don't know where to start or how everything is supposed to fit in just one life.

If asked about my hobbies there is a long list of things that I love doing (irregardless of whether I'm good at it or not): Dancing, singing, writing, reading, listening to music, hanging out with friends, taking care of my cat, watching movies and TV Series, engage myself in everything Japan and South Korea, be it history, language, entertainment or culture...
There are also those things that I once did but still feel like doing: Horse-riding, playing the guitar, playing the clarinet, volleyball...
And then there are those things that I would love to do: make a blog/youtube channel/etc. to talk about movies, TV-Series, music, etc., learn how to play various instruments (e.g. violin, piano, bass or drums), learn different languages (e.g. japanese, korean, mandarin, cantonese, vietnamese), travel, learn more about different cultures, learn new things in general...

The things that I would love to do are what bothers me the most. I can be really curious - if I set my mind on a question I can't get it out of my head until I find the answer. But it is also difficult for me to pursue something for a long time. I get tired of it. Not the "I'm not interested in this anymore" kind of tired. It's more like a certain amount of energy is missing, that amount that I need to keep doing it. As if you want to finish a puzzle but you can't because pieces are lost. You might find them again eventually and you can go back to your puzzle. But there are also times where they are lost forever. You didn't stop making that puzzle because you didn't want to do it anymore but because you had no other choice.

Dancing is actually the first thing in a long, long time, that I'm doing for about five years now because everything I did before, I only managed to do for 2 years at most.
That's how it is for me. There are many things that I stopped doing because pieces were missing. I don't start anything new because I'm afraid it may end up the same way. Unfinished. Left somewhere along the way. And I hate myself for it.

Finding a job is different.
There are many things that I want to do for a living.
But I'm insecure. I do a lot of things that I like but there's nothing that I think I'm particularly good at - except for making myself feel like I'm the most worthless person on earth maybe.

I would love to be able to publish the stories that I'm writing but I don't think they're good enough to be put in a bookstore.
I would love to pursue a career as a dancer but even though I'm dancing in my free time, I'm pretty sure that I lack a lot of things needed to achieve something like this.
I would love to do something involving animals - especially cats and/or dogs but I always find something that makes me think "You won't be able to do that, no matter how hard you try".
Because I'm thinking too much I can't get myself to at least give it a try. I'm thinking too much because I'm scared of failing and falling and not being able to get back up.
I will never know if my stories would actually make it into a bookstore or if I really suck at dancing because I keep preventing myself from trying. All those "What if"'s are stopping me before I even get to take the first step. That way I keep the experience of failure away from me but I also destory the chance of succeeding.
I have many dreams; dreams that might be unrealistic and dreams that might be hard to realize. Some people around me support me and tell me "go for it" but most are telling me to forget about it and just do something that has a future.
But what good comes from a future where I'm not happy? Where I have a job I don't like and I have to force myself to leave the bed every morning?
A future like that doesn't have any meaning for me but I'm also unable to go for the future I might be happy in.